In the time I've been trying to conceive, you wouldn't believe the things people have to say about it. I realise that when confronted with infertility (albeit someone else's) many people aren't sure what to say and blurt out something they might think is terribly helpful. It's usually not. Here is a list of things you probably shouldn't say to me, or anyone else that's having difficulty conceiving.
1. "Just relax and it will happen." I am relaxed. Thanks. And although stress can affect fertility I can assure you that none of the invasive, expensive tests I've had to put my body through suggested I was 'too stressed out' to conceive.
2. "I just have to look at my husband and I get pregnant." Not helpful. It's not about you and how easily you can get pregnant. It's about the fact that I can't.
3. "There are worse things in the world than being infertile." You're right. Natural disasters, war, terrorism, being diagnosed with a terminal illness, etc are all infinitely worse than being infertile. I know that because I'm not stupid. This still does not make me feel better that I can't make a baby. Sometimes, to me, it doesn't feel like there's anything else in my world worse than that.
4. "Maybe you're just not meant to be parents." This often comes from religious minded people who firmly believe God has a plan for us, and that plan might not include children. Well, my plan does include children, so I'm doing what I can to make it happen.
5. "Maybe you've got a hostile uterus (or some other condition)?" You've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy. Don't diagnose me, unless you're my doctor.
6. "Be glad you're not pregnant because you'll get morning sickness/stretch marks/back pain/can't drink alcohol." I'll take it all. I'm pretty sure having a healthy baby trumps all those insignificant 'inconveniences'.
7. "Aren't you glad you can't have a kid, you don't have to deal with poopy nappies, temper tantrums, sleepless nights etc etc etc" No. I'm not glad actually. PS - Don't ever speak to me again. The general rule would be to try not complain about your pregnancy or children to your friend that is dealing with infertility. Save it for your Mummy friends.
8. "I had a friend who got pregnant as soon as she stopped trying." I'm not that friend, our circumstances are most like vastly different, and I have less than 1% chance of getting pregnant naturally I can't see that happening. Again, it's just not a helpful thing to say.
9. "Why don't you just adopt?" If you've never had to research adoption, you're lucky. There are less than 70 domestic adoptions Australia-wide each year. It's not uncommon for a couple to wait up to 10 years to adopt domestically. Inter-country adoption wait times are around 5-7 years. It's not as easy for us as it is for the celebrities.
10. "I hope you get pregnant eventually because being a parent is the best job ever." Here's hoping I find that out for myself one day but, until then, try not to rub it in, OK?
11. "Have you tried *insert any number of things here*? That worked for me." Suggesting sexual positions, telling me to put a pillow under my butt, suggesting I eat certain foods or take certain supplements etc don't usually help people who have a less than 1% chance of a natural pregnancy. And anyway, I tried them all waaay back when I started TTC, back when I naively thought stopping the pill was enough to get pregnant.
12. "Maybe I need to take your husband aside and give him some tips." (Often followed by winking, nudging) I don't need to explain why this is inappropriate. This is often a male's response, and it just makes me want to punch something (usually the face of the person who said it).
13. "I've heard IVF is really expensive." You heard right, and I don't need to be reminded. See my running costs list to the right.
14. "I know how you feel, I took me 2 months to conceive my first baby. It was really depressing" If you felt that way after 2 months, imagine how you might feel after 2+ years. And unless you're in the exact same situation as we are you don't know how I feel.
15. "You're from a really fertile family, so you'll be fine." In most cases of infertility, genetics has absolutely nothing to do with it.
I could add more to the list, but I think I've given you enough ideas! You might be asking "Wow, what can I say?" Say "I'm sorry to hear that. I'm here for you if you need me." It's also super helpful if you remember things I've told you...for example if I tell you I have a Drs appt scheduled, a message asking how it went is always appreciated.
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